Dedication Day

On Christmas day 2011, I was in the depths of depression and could barely force my dinner down. Thankfully, Ruby was too tiny to have any recollection of this, but that day I set myself two targets.

1. That the following December, Steve and I would host Christmas dinner at our house. First target achieved. We hosted Christmas for both our families- with minimal stress and no food poisoning!

2. That when we dedicated Ruby, I would share my story to the whole church, of how God delivered me from depression. Well today, this second target was achieved! Thank you God!

I am far from a public speaker. I have been known to run out of a room in floods of tears to avoid speaking to a just a small group of people. So the fact that I managed to stand in view of the whole church  (without passing out) was testament itself to the transforming power of God!

What an emotionally charged day!

                  
                   Unfortunately, you can't actually see Ruby's face here,

as she's too interested in the big screen behind her- the same applies to Daddy!

 

We hardly got any photos of the day- too busy enjoying it I suppose.

But here is Ruby taking it easy in her book box, after a long, tiring day

 

 

Kickers, Record Bags and Boys

Since writing my last post about what God thinks of us, I've been thinking a lot about identity and acceptance. It's a topic I often gravitate towards writing about. What we think about ourselves directly effects the way we behave and the way we live life.

As a child, a lot of my sense of identity and self worth was based on what toys I had or didn't have. I remember my friend getting a bike that had five gears, my bike didn't have any, this was not a good day for me. Next birthday, I got a bike with fifteen gears- woohoo! That was a good day in the little world of Sarah Webb. I never used half the gears on the bike, but knowing that I had more than my friend was enough for me to maintain a warm feeling of self satisfaction.

As I grew up into a teenager- clothes were my new focus. I don't think secondary school was a particularly pleasant place for anyone- you're at your most self conscious in the place where you're at your most judged. Kids can be mean! When I first started Bartholomew school, Kickers were the thing to be wearing, as were record bags and hipsters. I didn't have any of these, I constantly felt a weird sense of embarrassment about this.

The day I got an Ellesse record bag was a good day. Kids around school would comment on it- 'cool bag!' This was it- I had made it- I now owned something that was 'cool'. When they asked where I'd got it- my shy little 12 year old self scurried on past- keeping the knowledge to myself that it was actually a fake Ellesse bag from the market. Imagine the shame if I'd confessed!

My grades were another area in which I based my self worth. I worked incredibly hard to get the best marks possible. My friends and I were often labelled boffins but this didn't seem to bother me. What bothered me was if I got a B and my fellow boffin got an A. That could leave me wallowing for a week. That's until, the next week, when I got the A. Then Miss Smug returned.

Over the years, I tried to get my sense of self worth from hundreds of sources. My late teens and early twenties were marred with low body image. Starving myself and over exercising made me feel good about myself. Seeing the pounds drop off gave me a confidence boost like nothing else.

However, when the pounds went back on, it was a different story. I remember coming back from a night out, where I'd been rejected by a bloke I really liked. My friends seemed to get loads of attention from the opposite sex, but I felt fat, ugly and a bit useless. I went to use the bathroom before going to bed, but didn't turn the light on, because I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror.

As I've got older, closer to God and hopefully a little wiser, I've learnt that to base your value on factors that change, is a very dangerous thing to do. If you only feel good about yourself when you are the skinniest, the cleverest, the most fashionable, you are doomed to a life of feeling like rubbish.

I look back on my younger years and think if only I believed what God had said about me all along. His opinion of me has never changed! He loved me from day one. His love for me doesn't depend on my weight, my grades or my clothes.

He made every cell in my body. He knows me better than I know myself. The very hairs on my head are numbered. He made me for a unique purpose that no one else could achieve and cares about the minutest details in my life. The same applies to YOU.

xx

You're Lovely!

This morning I was rummaging through a bag of scarves, hats and gloves that I'd completely forgotten about. Right at the bottom I found a scarf that made me smile...

Several years ago, on a quick trip to the supermarket, a lady started talking to me in the salad section(as you do). I can't quite remember what she spoke about- but I'm pretty sure it was lettuce related.

Having lived in London for a few years, I wasn't used to strangers starting conversations with me and so I tried not to look at her like she was a complete weirdo. She quickly apologised for bothering me and explained how she'd recently spent a lot of time with her sick mum in hospital and just needed a bit of random conversation. She looked a little tearful.

I told her it was fine, but struggled to know what to say. She complimented me on my scarf and I responded with "Miss Selfridge, £12." I seem unable to not respond in this way when I receive a compliment about my clothes- fashion Tourettes possibly?

Anyway, after a very brief conversation, we went our separate ways. She carried on shopping, whilst I queued to pay. It was here that I had this sudden voice come into my mind. "You should've given her your scarf". At this point, I knew God was talking to me. I remember thinking: Oh Lord, please don't ask me to do that... she'll think I'm completely mental! I ignored the voice and scurried off to another shop.

However, the voice telling me to go back got louder. So, I reluctantly went back to the supermarket. I found the lady and awkwardly approached her. "I felt that I should give this to you'. She smiled. She said it was very kind of me but she couldn't possibly accept it. I explained how I had too many scarves anyway- and probably shouldn't have bought it in the first place.

It's then that she said something that stuck with me. 'You keep the scarf and then every time you wear it, you'll remember how lovely you are'. I handed her a flyer for my church and said she should come along sometime and then once again, we went our separate ways.

It's funny how much it lifted me, remembering how this lady thought I was lovely. It got me thinking, how much more should it make me smile- knowing that the God of the universe also thinks I'm lovely. In fact, He loved me so much, that He willingly let his precious Son die for me, when I was actually far from being lovely.

So my reminder to you at the start of this year is: you're lovely! You're precious, you're unique and cherished by a wonderful, loving God, who wants to get to know you more.

xx