Since writing my last post about what God thinks of us, I've been thinking a lot about identity and acceptance. It's a topic I often gravitate towards writing about. What we think about ourselves directly effects the way we behave and the way we live life.
As a child, a lot of my sense of identity and self worth was based on what toys I had or didn't have. I remember my friend getting a bike that had five gears, my bike didn't have any, this was not a good day for me. Next birthday, I got a bike with fifteen gears- woohoo! That was a good day in the little world of Sarah Webb. I never used half the gears on the bike, but knowing that I had more than my friend was enough for me to maintain a warm feeling of self satisfaction.
As I grew up into a teenager- clothes were my new focus. I don't think secondary school was a particularly pleasant place for anyone- you're at your most self conscious in the place where you're at your most judged. Kids can be mean! When I first started Bartholomew school, Kickers were the thing to be wearing, as were record bags and hipsters. I didn't have any of these, I constantly felt a weird sense of embarrassment about this.
The day I got an Ellesse record bag was a good day. Kids around school would comment on it- 'cool bag!' This was it- I had made it- I now owned something that was 'cool'. When they asked where I'd got it- my shy little 12 year old self scurried on past- keeping the knowledge to myself that it was actually a fake Ellesse bag from the market. Imagine the shame if I'd confessed!
My grades were another area in which I based my self worth. I worked incredibly hard to get the best marks possible. My friends and I were often labelled boffins but this didn't seem to bother me. What bothered me was if I got a B and my fellow boffin got an A. That could leave me wallowing for a week. That's until, the next week, when I got the A. Then Miss Smug returned.
Over the years, I tried to get my sense of self worth from hundreds of sources. My late teens and early twenties were marred with low body image. Starving myself and over exercising made me feel good about myself. Seeing the pounds drop off gave me a confidence boost like nothing else.
However, when the pounds went back on, it was a different story. I remember coming back from a night out, where I'd been rejected by a bloke I really liked. My friends seemed to get loads of attention from the opposite sex, but I felt fat, ugly and a bit useless. I went to use the bathroom before going to bed, but didn't turn the light on, because I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror.
As I've got older, closer to God and hopefully a little wiser, I've learnt that to base your value on factors that change, is a very dangerous thing to do. If you only feel good about yourself when you are the skinniest, the cleverest, the most fashionable, you are doomed to a life of feeling like rubbish.
I look back on my younger years and think if only I believed what God had said about me all along. His opinion of me has never changed! He loved me from day one. His love for me doesn't depend on my weight, my grades or my clothes.
He made every cell in my body. He knows me better than I know myself. The very hairs on my head are numbered. He made me for a unique purpose that no one else could achieve and cares about the minutest details in my life. The same applies to YOU.
xx
No comments:
Post a Comment