Lessons From Sunflowers

It seems my sunflower story struck a chord with a lot of people. Thank you for the lovely comments I've had about it.

I have to remind myself on a daily basis to be more like a sunflower- keeping my focus on my source of light and nourishment. The moment we begin to focus on anything other than God, is the moment we start to fall.

Friends and family, no matter how reliable will inevitably let us down. What we consider to be our own strengths and talents- will also eventually fail us- as we discover that someone else can do what we do even better.  If we focus on the troubles of life- we will bow under the pressure of them. When we fix our gaze on Jesus our troubles seem small and insignificant, we realise our true value and we can do things we never thought we could do.

Sunflowers are not rare or exotic, in fact they are pretty common. It would be useless if they tried to be an orchid or a bluebell, but they stand tall and proud, unashamedly being themselves- if they had a face, I think they'd be smiling. They are the best at being themselves. I think we can learn a lot from this. We can spend so much time wishing we were like someone else. Putting ourselves down for not being being as clever, as funny, as rich, as talented, as skinny...

Why don't we just stick to being ourselves? I really am the best at being myself and YOU are the very best person for the job of being you!

So my message to you is stand tall, know your identity as a child of God, keep your gaze on Jesus and smile!

I spot sunflower imagery everywhere these days. Here's a little selection...

I love this card from M&S

This is a sunflower 'swing card'. I applied for a design job

with the company that made this (Santoro, London).

Now that I've forgiven them for not replying

to my application- I feel I can feature some of there work.

Bizarrely, this one was on the window by the toilets in Starbucks?

A bit of Art Deco from WH Smith.

I wanted to make Ruby a sunflower top. So I made a sunflower out of felt and sewed it on

to a white baby vest. I then used puffy fabric paint to do the dots in the middle. Unfortunately, Ruby's nappy leaked when she was wearing it- the bottom half has now been dyed a lovely shade of sunflower yellow!

My friend, Inge told me I dress Ruby in the way I wish I could dress...

I think she's right :-)

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears

This testimony was written in March 2012

As I type this story out I can hardly believe how good God is. It’s a Saturday afternoon, my lovely husband Steve is checking the football results online and I’m sat here snuggled up in a big hoodie, with my 3 month old baby girl laid spark out on my lap. Life couldn’t be much better. It hasn’t always felt that way.

Until recently I would have described myself as a worrier- an extremely obsessive worrier. I have been a Christian for over 10 years but I had never really lived in the benefits of being a child of God. I spent years listening to the enemy’s lies and believing them. I tormented myself with regret, guilt, fear and perfectionism. I lived under a cloud of condemnation.

 This flawed way of thinking came to a head in 2007 in the build up to our wedding in the August. I was not worried throughout the majority of wedding planning (much to the surprise of friends and family). But I suddenly started getting hundreds of fearful thoughts: ‘what if I’m doing the wrong thing’, ‘what if I wasn’t meant to marry Steve’, ‘is he too old?’ ‘is it terrible that I’ve invited that person to the wedding?’ What if I'm meant to marry someone else?’ ‘What if I don’t feel like a fairy tale princess on my wedding day? The enemy planted a simple question in my mind and instead of casting it down,  I let it whirl out of control. I tormented myself for weeks and weeks, endlessly questioning myself, leading to me feeling depressed and confused. Deep down I knew that I was very much in love with Steve and that I was meant to marry him, but I seemed unable to keep my peace.

 Someone at church prayed for me a week or so before the wedding and they saw a picture. They saw a sunflower with its head facing downwards. She said to me that currently, I was looking down, concentrating on myself and my situation. What I needed to do was look up. A sunflower’s head faces the sun throughout the day- following it as it moves across the sky. I needed to keep my focus on Jesus.

 I later explained the picture to my Mum and that I felt like I had a shadow lurking over me. She’s was completely taken aback as she said she was given a similar word, that if she fixed her eyes on Jesus, God would take care of the shadows of the past. She handed me a bookmark which had sunflowers on it, with the words: ‘Keep your face towards the sun and God will take care of the shadows.

 My wedding day came and it was a lovely day, the sun was shining and everything went smoothly and the best thing was that I did actually marry Steve. I did however, still have those confusing thoughts whirling through my mind. By the end of the evening I felt pretty sad as I wasn’t thinking the thoughts I was ‘supposed’ to. I shouldn’t be worried, I should be thinking slushy, loved up thoughts. I wanted Hollywood perfection- I didn’t feel that I got that- I therefore carried around a horrible feeling of disappointment for years after. I would look at my wedding photos and have a go at myself. Instead of seeing all the lovely things about the day- I would see a depressed wreck, whose hair didn’t look quite right, whose bridesmaids looked better than she did, who had a broken nail and who had tan lines on her shoulders.

 My mum had seen that sadness in me. I’m very similar to my mum, I inherited a lot of good qualities from her but I also inherited her tendency to worry. She said that I reminded her of her own mum, as she often had the same troubled expression I had. It seems that worry, fear and obsessive thinking had been something that had gone down the family line. As any mother would do- my mum felt very concerned about me, until one day when looking through photos of her mother- she felt God say again ‘I will deal with the shadows of the past’. Incredibly she shut the album to discover the cover had pictures of sunflowers on it.

 Thanks to God, Steve and I went on to have many happy times together. I definitely knew I had done the right thing in marrying him. We were given a word from a trusted friend that God would ‘restore the years that the locust had eaten’ which meant different things for us both.

 I continued to carry this feeling of disappointment, as well as tormenting myself about various other issues that came up. I longed for another time when I could feel that Hollywood perfection- to be the fairy tale princess. In February 2011, Tope (one of our church pastors) prayed over Steve and I- he prophesied ‘freedom and fruitfulness’ so it was amazing that the following month we discovered to our joy that we were expecting a baby. This was my chance (I thought) to have that Hollywood perfection. Steve and I would walk to my antenatal appointments, holding hands, looking lovingly at each other. I would glide around with a beaming smile on my face, wearing floral maxi-dresses, dreaming about my unborn baby. As the months went by I realised that I wasn’t feeling that way. I was very blessed that the whole pregnancy went smoothly. God kept the baby and I safe. I didn’t even get any morning sickness. However, I continued to carry the disappointment and troubled thoughts, which gradually turned into depression again.

 I cried everyday for months. I would cry out to God- ‘Please help me!’ ‘Please deliver me!’ I learned to worship- like I’d never worshipped before. I felt that just has Joshua and the people of Israel had knocked down the walls of Jericho with their worship- the strongholds in my life would come crashing down if I continued  to praise God and exalt Him- despite my pain. I put bible verses everywhere, to remind myself of who I am in God and of all the plans he has for my life.

Throughout this time I heard God’s voice more clearly than ever before. He would reassure me that everything would be fine. One day, Steve and I were taking a look around the birthing unit at the hospital- and as I walked down the corridor I had a line of a favourite song come into my head and I sang it quietly to myself: ‘He will give back what’s been taken’.

 At a prayer meeting one night, pastor Chris felt that we were to pray for people who felt they had  inherited negative qualities and that God wanted to ‘restore the years the locust had eaten’- I knew this was me. Although heavily pregnant I stayed till the end- mainly in tears, standing throughout- as a sign of my defiance to the situation I was in. The other verse Chris mentioned was that ‘trouble wouldn’t come twice’- referring to the fact that these inherited qualities would stop here. Before getting pregnant I had decided that I did not want my children to suffer with this tormenting way of thinking and now I felt as if God had confirmed this. ‘Trouble wouldn’t come twice’.

This line: 'trouble won't come twice'  really stuck in my mind. It was taken from the book of Nahum. I knew that I had written notes on it somewhere. The following day, I searched through all my old journals to discover a page saying ‘trouble will not come twice’. The notes spoke of being fearful about old problems returning. And the final thing that I had written was ‘IT’S OVER!’ I really felt that that God was saying that I would no longer suffer with this troubled thinking and that nor would my baby. The notes were written in an old diary- and I had written these (to my amazement) on the 27^th November. I had  been given two due dates- the doctors would always say 26^th November, the midwives always seemed to say the 28^th-so I would average it out and say that my due date was the 27^th November. It was then that I felt God tell me that this would be the day my baby would be born.

 Lo and behold, Ruby May Louise was born normally and healthily on Sunday 27^th November. God kept us both safe. Ruby, as her name suggests, has been a precious gem since the day she arrived. She is more wonderful than I imagined and I love her more than I thought possible.

 I however continued to feel troubled and depressed. In fact, with the dip in hormones and postnatal anxiety- it got much worse. I would sob uncontrollably, my appetite was non-existent, I had palpitations and every time I tried to sleep, my body would shake. I felt haunted, frightened all the time and I felt trapped in my own head. Our marriage also began to suffer. In fact, on a couple of occasions I told Steve I was going to have to leave, as I didn’t want to make him unhappy any more. Every time I looked at Ruby- I would break down- this was not how it was supposed to be! Following a massive, hysterical panic attack, we went to live with Steve’s parents. My GP prescribed me ant-depressants and sleeping pills. I have never felt so sad in all my life. There were many times when I thought I would be better off dead.

 However, on New year’s eve- at our church celebrations I danced and I sang for my freedom and my marriage. I proclaimed the year of the Lord’s favour for me and my little family.

I clung to the promises that God had given me about restoration and the destruction of my enemies. And I believed for one of the miracles that Tope preached about that night.

Over a series of weeks, two lovely Christian ladies counselled me and prayed for me to be delivered. They broke me off from all the negative things that I had inherited from both family lines. I went for God more fervently than ever before.

 Everything began to change. I learned to stand in my identity in Christ. I learnt how to handle my thoughts. I learnt to put on my armour of God everyday and whenever the devil comes accusing me, I tell him where to go. I know that I am a child of God and that I am precious in his sight.

I love to eat again, I love to sleep again, everything that seemed to leave me has returned in abundance.

 I am so grateful to my lovely husband for putting up with me. I am so grateful for our parents who poured out their love on me and took care of us when we were desperate. I am so grateful to my daughter who brings me so much joy- that it makes me laugh and then cry. I am so grateful to my wonderful friends and family who stuck by me.

 But most of all, I am grateful to my God who blessed me with all these people. Who has restored the years that the locust has eaten. Who has dealt with the shadows of the past. Who has turned my mourning into dancing. Whose amazing grace will always be enough for me.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:4

A Bit of Nostalgia

On Sunday, Steve, Ruby and I made an impromptu trip to Oxfordshire to visit my family. First stop was Cowley, to my nan's house where Ruby wowed everyone with smiles and attempts to walk. Nan's house is full of memories for me, so it was great to take my little one there to create some more. Nan's middle name is Ruby- which is where I got the name from.

Here's the four generations together: Ruby, me, Dad and Nan.

Nan had cooked one of her signature rice puddings which I made Steve try- saying that he'd never have Ambrosia again once he had. It's all about the skin on top for me- yum!

Witney was our next stop. My mum, my brother and I moved to Witney when I was 14- so I spent the majority of my teen years there, before I left for university. I also got married in Witney Methodist Church- so the  town holds lots of memories for me: exams, first jobs, days out and wedding planning.

We decided to look around town before going to my mum's house. It's changed a lot since I left. So many more shops! What used to be a pet shop is now a vintage shop called The Old Pill Factory. I love it!  It's just as well I don't live near it- as I end up spending a fortune.

I got a tad over excited in there and therefore got a bit snap happy.

I bought this Ladybird book for nostalgic value, it's also got quite a

few little projects for me to add to my ever lengthening 'to do' list.

Having dragged myself away from this lovely little shop we made our way back to my mum and her husband: Steve's house. This house also holds hundreds of memories for me. Mum loves colour and little trinkets just like I do- so I decided to have a little scout around.

I painted this plant cell pot for my mum when I worked at a ceramics cafe as a teenager.

This is a piece of fabric stuck on to a piece of wood and then varnished- really effective.

I love this jam pot note pad from M&S.

I have to admit to being slightly jealous of Emma Bridgewater's success-

but I do love her surface pattern design.

My saltdough cake fridge magnet.

One of my more recent designs.

I have always been interested in typography- so this hanger caught my attention...

... as did this plaque.

Charity shop find.

My teacup candle and fimo biscuits.

I never met my mum's parents and she doesn't have many photos of them.

But she had recently discovered this one. I love looking at really old photos

My gran was called Mary, but was known to her friends as May. Which is where Ruby May got the May part of her name. May is the lady with her legs crossed and my grandad (Paddy) is on her left.

This is my mum with Ruby May.

Remember To Stop And Smell The Roses

I've always been the type to rush around like a headless chicken. I've been so eager to get stuff done I've never really enjoyed the process- whether that be making my way to meet a friend or researching for a project.

During my pregnancy- I went through a pretty rough time emotionally, I was suffering with daily panic attacks as well as a whole lot of other stuff. One evening, Steve and I went to a church prayer meeting, where one of our pastors asked me the fateful question 'how are you Sarah?' I landed on him in a pile of desperate tears- 'I just don't what to do Tope' I wept hysterically.

He got the whole group to stand around me and pray over me. I sat in the middle of the group- with my huge baby bump and I waited expectantly for deliverance and some amazing prophesies from God. I really appreciated the prayer and felt a certain amount of peace but deliverance did not come. Tope gave me a word from Genesis 3:

the LORD God (was) walking in the garden in the cool of the day... (Genesis 3:8 ESV)

He really felt like that's what God was saying to me. At the time I wasn't quite sure what to do with this. But I soon remembered a phrase my mum had told me 'remember to stop and smell the roses'. I felt that God was saying that I needed to take life slower, enjoy simple pleasures, enjoy the process rather than rushing to the final outcome. Although I don't always succeed in doing this- especially with a small, hyper active baby, I have been really working hard at slowing down.

Today, I was walking to town with Ruby in the buggy, as the two of us had been in the house for too long and we had both started to get cabin fever. I had nowhere particular to be and nothing really to buy, but I found myself rushing down the road. I was treating my walk into town as a mission that needed to be completed rather than an experience to be enjoyed. So I slowed down. I decided to look around and see what was about. You'd be amazed what you see when you actually look.

I got out my phone and took some snaps of some of the things I spotted.

Beauty and inspiration can be found everywhere when we slow down and look. The picture at the centre of this montage is a mosaic made by some year 8 students- it's been just down the road from where I live for ages and this is the first time I've seen it!

When I arrived in the town centre I decided to have a little look in TK Maxx. I love that shop! You never know what little treasures you'll find when you have a bit of a rummage. I am a massive Stevie Wonder fan so this sign caught my eye.

So my advice to you and to myself is slow down, look and enjoy.

Handmade vs Mass Produced

  

Today, Ruby spent the morning with Nana while Steve and I went tile shopping. No luck in the tile shop, but we thought we'd have a little look next door in Warren Evans for a new bed. From outside, this place just looked like an ordinary furniture shop. But it was much more exciting inside.

The furniture is all handmade locally and beds are made to order. I loved the way the shop was dressed with old, wooden work benches, old photographs and trinkets. I could have spent hours looking around, as there was something small and interesting in every nook of the shop. Everything was obviously very good quality, beautifully made from lovely materials, but slightly out of our price range.

I've thought a lot about handmade items versus mass produced ones, since the days when I first started to try and make money from making things. When I was 15, I decided I didn't want to do a paper round or work in a shop like my friends. I wanted to make and sell my own greetings cards and that's what I did. It was at that point that I realised that it is tricky to sell handmade items for very much, as people are accustomed to cheap items in chain stores.

Although handmade is definitely more in fashion than it was, I really feel that craft skills are under valued. I love Ikea and Primark as much as the next person- 'cheap and cheerful' as my mum would say. But do we really think about the work that goes into producing something? If we thought about how much time and skill went into what we buy, would we re-evaluate what we consider to be expensive?

I bought a pair of slippers once which had lots of intricate embroidery and tiny beads sown on to them. They must have only cost me £3.00. I wonder what the person who made them was paid?
When we under value a skill, do we under value the person behind it and the God who blessed them with it? I'll leave you with that to ponder on.

In amongst all the little bits and pieces I found this wood carving. Couldn't be more appropriate for Good Friday!

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I Like To Make Things Because God Likes To Make Things

I think a lot of us have a natural desire to create because we were made in God's image and He is the ultimate creator.

I became a christian just after my GCSEs and I think this was partly due to my biology studies. I was captivated by the structure of cells and the mechanics of nature. I expressed the beauty of creation in several of my school art projects. I'd always believed in God, but I think it was at this point that I really became convinced that the world had been designed, such beauty could not have just happened, following a series of random mutations.

The moment I saw Ruby (then, just Baby) on the screen at my 12 week scan, I became freshly captivated my God's workmanship. Psalm 139 was suddenly much more relevant to me.

 For you formed my inward parts;

  you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

 Wonderful are your works;

  my soul knows it very well.

 My frame was not hidden from you,

 when I was being made in secret,

  intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

 in your book were written, every one of them,

  the days that were formed for me,

  when as yet there was none of them.

(Psalm 139:13-16 ESV)

I designed a book to explain the structure of the cell to young people. My aim was show how interesting, fun and beautiful creation is. Here's a little taster.

Why I love to make things

I have always loved to make things. It's just what I've always done. Painting, drawing,

cutting, sticking, designing, knitting, printing, moulding, you name it, I've tried it and I love it all.

I also love a creative challenge. A few years ago I was asked by a local school to help decorate their school for their centenary. They really wanted a giant 'Very Hungry Caterpillar ' to be suspended above the front entrance, so that's what I gave them.

As a child I couldn't get enough of programmes like Hart Beat with Tony Hart, Art Attack and Bitsa. Bitsa used to drive me nuts (and my parents), as the things they made were always really complicated, with moving parts and obscure components. Of course I wanted my model to look exactly like theirs and if it didn't, my little perfectionist mind just couldn't take it. But the programme was brilliant none the less. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfyp5JVrKBo

I just love the feeling of creating something myself. Collecting a selection of random materials together and producing something 'beautiful'. Being a bit of a show-off, I also enjoy
people's appreciation of my work, whether it's being complimented on a necklace I've made and am wearing or being thanked for a cake that I've decorated for a family member.

I made this cake for my brother-in-law. Moulding a drummer and drum kit with a very active, 13 week old baby in the background was a tricky task- but it was fun and I was pleased with the result. I'm gradually learning to make things at the same time as looking after Ruby. Here's me practising my crochet. Ruby is actually asleep in this picture I'm not just pinning her down in order to complete my project- although it does look like that.

My mind is constantly chewing over my next creative project and I realise I'm not the only one. I think a lot of us have an innate desire to create something, whether it's to knit a jumper, refurbish a house or write a song. It's so satisfying to be able to say 'I did that' (a concept shown  in the latest B&Q ad) and when you can bless someone else with one of your creations it's even better.

I love the bit in the Bible

 The LORD said to Moses, “See, I have called by name Bezalel the son of Uri, son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with ability and intelligence, with knowledge and all craftsmanship, to devise artistic designs, to work in gold, silver, and bronze, in cutting stones for setting, and in carving wood, to work in every craft. And behold, I have appointed with him Oholiab, the son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan. And I have given to all able men ability, that they may make all that I have commanded you: the tent of meeting, and the ark of the testimony, and the mercy seat that is on it, and all the furnishings of the tent, the table and its utensils, and the pure lampstand with all its utensils, and the altar of incense, and the altar of burnt offering with all its utensils, and the basin and its stand, and the finely worked garments, the holy garments for Aaron the priest and the garments of his sons, for their service as priests, and the anointing oil and the fragrant incense for the Holy Place. According to all that I have commanded you, they shall do.”

(Exodus 31:1-11 ESV)

God blesses people with the ability to create things for his purposes and I think that's amazing! What a privilege! Imagine who you could encourage, bless or minister to someone through something you've made.

Why am I starting this blog?

I have been meaning to start blogging for ages- but what with having a baby, refurbishing a house, moving into the house and having a bout of depression, I never quite got around to it. So this is me getting around to it.

In my last weeks of pregnancy, when I was too fat and too uncomfortable to do anything but sit on the sofa- I re-discovered the Internet. I know the web can be used for some pretty unwholesome things but I really believe it to be a real blessing for many reasons.

Twitter provided me with snippets of encouragement when I was feeling scared and a bit lonely waiting for my baby to arrive.

Facebook put me in touch with people that had gone through the same season of life and could encourage and advice me. As well as allowing me to nose through other people's photos and see what people were up to.

At the beginning stages of labour, Steve was sent home by the midwives and I was left in hospital feeling vulnerable and self pitying. I never thought I would be the type to put labour updates on facebook, but doing so supplied me with a barrage of messages of encouragement and immediately got people praying. Thank goodness for smart phones!

Another thing I discovered was blogging. A world of other creative ladies talking about the stuff they'd made- inspiring me to get back to one of biggest loves in life- making stuff.

I found other blogs where women spoke of the imperfections of life and how God had got them through some horrendous situations.

So I started this blog to let people know my story. To show people what God has done in my life. To show people what I've been making and maybe persuade them to buy some of my goodies or inspire them to make something themselves. To be a witness to the fact that the life of a Christian is anything but perfect, but that God will work everything for your good anyway.

I would also love to put other people's testimonies on here. If you have a good story of how God has worked in your life or how God has used your creative skills please email me. lovepraymake@gmail.com