I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears

This testimony was written in March 2012

As I type this story out I can hardly believe how good God is. It’s a Saturday afternoon, my lovely husband Steve is checking the football results online and I’m sat here snuggled up in a big hoodie, with my 3 month old baby girl laid spark out on my lap. Life couldn’t be much better. It hasn’t always felt that way.

Until recently I would have described myself as a worrier- an extremely obsessive worrier. I have been a Christian for over 10 years but I had never really lived in the benefits of being a child of God. I spent years listening to the enemy’s lies and believing them. I tormented myself with regret, guilt, fear and perfectionism. I lived under a cloud of condemnation.

 This flawed way of thinking came to a head in 2007 in the build up to our wedding in the August. I was not worried throughout the majority of wedding planning (much to the surprise of friends and family). But I suddenly started getting hundreds of fearful thoughts: ‘what if I’m doing the wrong thing’, ‘what if I wasn’t meant to marry Steve’, ‘is he too old?’ ‘is it terrible that I’ve invited that person to the wedding?’ What if I'm meant to marry someone else?’ ‘What if I don’t feel like a fairy tale princess on my wedding day? The enemy planted a simple question in my mind and instead of casting it down,  I let it whirl out of control. I tormented myself for weeks and weeks, endlessly questioning myself, leading to me feeling depressed and confused. Deep down I knew that I was very much in love with Steve and that I was meant to marry him, but I seemed unable to keep my peace.

 Someone at church prayed for me a week or so before the wedding and they saw a picture. They saw a sunflower with its head facing downwards. She said to me that currently, I was looking down, concentrating on myself and my situation. What I needed to do was look up. A sunflower’s head faces the sun throughout the day- following it as it moves across the sky. I needed to keep my focus on Jesus.

 I later explained the picture to my Mum and that I felt like I had a shadow lurking over me. She’s was completely taken aback as she said she was given a similar word, that if she fixed her eyes on Jesus, God would take care of the shadows of the past. She handed me a bookmark which had sunflowers on it, with the words: ‘Keep your face towards the sun and God will take care of the shadows.

 My wedding day came and it was a lovely day, the sun was shining and everything went smoothly and the best thing was that I did actually marry Steve. I did however, still have those confusing thoughts whirling through my mind. By the end of the evening I felt pretty sad as I wasn’t thinking the thoughts I was ‘supposed’ to. I shouldn’t be worried, I should be thinking slushy, loved up thoughts. I wanted Hollywood perfection- I didn’t feel that I got that- I therefore carried around a horrible feeling of disappointment for years after. I would look at my wedding photos and have a go at myself. Instead of seeing all the lovely things about the day- I would see a depressed wreck, whose hair didn’t look quite right, whose bridesmaids looked better than she did, who had a broken nail and who had tan lines on her shoulders.

 My mum had seen that sadness in me. I’m very similar to my mum, I inherited a lot of good qualities from her but I also inherited her tendency to worry. She said that I reminded her of her own mum, as she often had the same troubled expression I had. It seems that worry, fear and obsessive thinking had been something that had gone down the family line. As any mother would do- my mum felt very concerned about me, until one day when looking through photos of her mother- she felt God say again ‘I will deal with the shadows of the past’. Incredibly she shut the album to discover the cover had pictures of sunflowers on it.

 Thanks to God, Steve and I went on to have many happy times together. I definitely knew I had done the right thing in marrying him. We were given a word from a trusted friend that God would ‘restore the years that the locust had eaten’ which meant different things for us both.

 I continued to carry this feeling of disappointment, as well as tormenting myself about various other issues that came up. I longed for another time when I could feel that Hollywood perfection- to be the fairy tale princess. In February 2011, Tope (one of our church pastors) prayed over Steve and I- he prophesied ‘freedom and fruitfulness’ so it was amazing that the following month we discovered to our joy that we were expecting a baby. This was my chance (I thought) to have that Hollywood perfection. Steve and I would walk to my antenatal appointments, holding hands, looking lovingly at each other. I would glide around with a beaming smile on my face, wearing floral maxi-dresses, dreaming about my unborn baby. As the months went by I realised that I wasn’t feeling that way. I was very blessed that the whole pregnancy went smoothly. God kept the baby and I safe. I didn’t even get any morning sickness. However, I continued to carry the disappointment and troubled thoughts, which gradually turned into depression again.

 I cried everyday for months. I would cry out to God- ‘Please help me!’ ‘Please deliver me!’ I learned to worship- like I’d never worshipped before. I felt that just has Joshua and the people of Israel had knocked down the walls of Jericho with their worship- the strongholds in my life would come crashing down if I continued  to praise God and exalt Him- despite my pain. I put bible verses everywhere, to remind myself of who I am in God and of all the plans he has for my life.

Throughout this time I heard God’s voice more clearly than ever before. He would reassure me that everything would be fine. One day, Steve and I were taking a look around the birthing unit at the hospital- and as I walked down the corridor I had a line of a favourite song come into my head and I sang it quietly to myself: ‘He will give back what’s been taken’.

 At a prayer meeting one night, pastor Chris felt that we were to pray for people who felt they had  inherited negative qualities and that God wanted to ‘restore the years the locust had eaten’- I knew this was me. Although heavily pregnant I stayed till the end- mainly in tears, standing throughout- as a sign of my defiance to the situation I was in. The other verse Chris mentioned was that ‘trouble wouldn’t come twice’- referring to the fact that these inherited qualities would stop here. Before getting pregnant I had decided that I did not want my children to suffer with this tormenting way of thinking and now I felt as if God had confirmed this. ‘Trouble wouldn’t come twice’.

This line: 'trouble won't come twice'  really stuck in my mind. It was taken from the book of Nahum. I knew that I had written notes on it somewhere. The following day, I searched through all my old journals to discover a page saying ‘trouble will not come twice’. The notes spoke of being fearful about old problems returning. And the final thing that I had written was ‘IT’S OVER!’ I really felt that that God was saying that I would no longer suffer with this troubled thinking and that nor would my baby. The notes were written in an old diary- and I had written these (to my amazement) on the 27^th November. I had  been given two due dates- the doctors would always say 26^th November, the midwives always seemed to say the 28^th-so I would average it out and say that my due date was the 27^th November. It was then that I felt God tell me that this would be the day my baby would be born.

 Lo and behold, Ruby May Louise was born normally and healthily on Sunday 27^th November. God kept us both safe. Ruby, as her name suggests, has been a precious gem since the day she arrived. She is more wonderful than I imagined and I love her more than I thought possible.

 I however continued to feel troubled and depressed. In fact, with the dip in hormones and postnatal anxiety- it got much worse. I would sob uncontrollably, my appetite was non-existent, I had palpitations and every time I tried to sleep, my body would shake. I felt haunted, frightened all the time and I felt trapped in my own head. Our marriage also began to suffer. In fact, on a couple of occasions I told Steve I was going to have to leave, as I didn’t want to make him unhappy any more. Every time I looked at Ruby- I would break down- this was not how it was supposed to be! Following a massive, hysterical panic attack, we went to live with Steve’s parents. My GP prescribed me ant-depressants and sleeping pills. I have never felt so sad in all my life. There were many times when I thought I would be better off dead.

 However, on New year’s eve- at our church celebrations I danced and I sang for my freedom and my marriage. I proclaimed the year of the Lord’s favour for me and my little family.

I clung to the promises that God had given me about restoration and the destruction of my enemies. And I believed for one of the miracles that Tope preached about that night.

Over a series of weeks, two lovely Christian ladies counselled me and prayed for me to be delivered. They broke me off from all the negative things that I had inherited from both family lines. I went for God more fervently than ever before.

 Everything began to change. I learned to stand in my identity in Christ. I learnt how to handle my thoughts. I learnt to put on my armour of God everyday and whenever the devil comes accusing me, I tell him where to go. I know that I am a child of God and that I am precious in his sight.

I love to eat again, I love to sleep again, everything that seemed to leave me has returned in abundance.

 I am so grateful to my lovely husband for putting up with me. I am so grateful for our parents who poured out their love on me and took care of us when we were desperate. I am so grateful to my daughter who brings me so much joy- that it makes me laugh and then cry. I am so grateful to my wonderful friends and family who stuck by me.

 But most of all, I am grateful to my God who blessed me with all these people. Who has restored the years that the locust has eaten. Who has dealt with the shadows of the past. Who has turned my mourning into dancing. Whose amazing grace will always be enough for me.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:4